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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27679451">Desiderium</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblebeom/pseuds/bubblebeom'>bubblebeom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Assassin!AU, Assassin!Jooheon, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Healing/Comfort, Mentions of Blood/Injury, Minor Character Death, Partnership, References to Depression, Violence, Weapon use, assassin!reader, badass fem oc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:48:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,955</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27679451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblebeom/pseuds/bubblebeom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where all you’ve ever known is death and destruction, you get lost in the aftermath and set yourself on a path likely to get you killed. He’s not sure why he keeps coming back when all you do is push him away but he’ll be damned if he lets you fight your demons all on your own so he remains at your side, even if you hate him for it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jooheon/Original Female Character(s), Lee Jooheon/Reader, Lee Jooheon/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. ONE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>It’s funny how fate plays out. </em>
</p>
<p>How the universe puts certain people in your life for different reasons. Some float through, leaving little to no trace behind. Some people take root in your very soul and leave a gaping wound when they go. Some, you never see coming in the first place but they take your world and turn it upside down and make you see everything in a new light, changing your life forever.</p>
<p>Your life had been far from ordinary since you were outcasted at the age of thirteen with no one to help you and nowhere to go. That was how you ended up where you were today. A trained killer by the time you were seventeen. At twenty-four years old you had perfected your craft and you were <em>unstoppable</em>.</p>
<p>You had been sparring with your partner, Calypso when you had first seen him. He was new and you had not yet learned his name, no doubt the others in the compound had directed him to steer clear of the pair of you. Being the guild’s ‘<em>golden children</em>’ had its perks but many drawbacks. Other members were fearful yet madly jealous of the way you and Calypso were favored by the guild leaders. </p>
<p>Some of the nicknames weren’t so bad. </p>
<p>‘<em>Sinister Sisters</em>’ and ‘<em>Terror Twins</em>’ had a nice ring to it, but the way they whispered about you in the halls had always bothered you when you were younger. Calypso was the reason you didn’t care anymore. </p>
<p>Calypso was the kind of person that shined the brightest when the world seemed too dark, too bleak. She had a way of making you feel like everything was going to be okay and had reminded you that the only people who mattered were the ones you loved. She had also come to the guild at a young age, just a year and a half older, and you’d grown up together in this world that had shaped you into what you were now. </p>
<p>They had always whispered worse things about Calypso. They called her psychotic, <em>savage</em>. They spread rumors that she had murdered her whole family and that’s how she had come to the guild all those years ago. None of it was true. Calypso was abandoned the same way you were but she had thrived in this life. She was powerful and fearless, and that was why the others were afraid of her. </p>
<p>You knew better though and you watched as her eyes lit up at the sight of a new face. She jumped off the mat and bounded right up to him without any hesitation, happy to meet someone outside of the guild. You plopped down on the mat, wiping the sweat from your face, and smiled softly when you noticed he hadn’t looked a bit nervous as she greeted him. </p>
<p>She’d stuck her hand out and gripped his own much tighter than he had expected, “I’m Cali, what’s your name, dimples?” Her smile was radiant and the man couldn’t quite understand why everyone was so put off by the pair of you. He thought she was perfectly friendly.</p>
<p>“Jooheon, you can call me-” He started but Cali cut him off midsentence waving you over and you gave her a brief eye roll before peeling yourself off the mat, slowly stalking forward and offering a quick nod at Jooheon. </p>
<p>“This is my lover, <em>Katana</em>, but you can call her Kat,” Cali said happily and you snorted at the look on Jooheon’s face, “Lover, this is Honey.”</p>
<p>Jooheon blushed all the way up to the tips of his ears hearing the nickname only his mother had called him. One he hadn’t expected to hear in a place like this. </p>
<p>You took a moment to examine him, just briefly. He was handsome you supposed. Tall but not <em>too</em> tall. Built well but not so bulky he would lack the agility needed in this field of work. He had a nice smile and you had to admit to yourself that his prominent dimples Cali had earlier pointed out made something flutter in your belly a bit. You weren’t used to the feeling. You hadn’t even been remotely interested in or attracted to a man in a long time. You had limited options due to your lifestyle.</p>
<p>Snapping out of your thoughts you smacked Cali’s shoulder playfully, “Will you stop telling people that? We’re partners,” Cali stuck out her tongue while you turned your attention on Jooheon again, “So, are you the new kid being shipped off for training?”</p>
<p>Jooheon nodded his confirmation. It was true that he would not get to spend much time here before he would be transferring away for a solid eighteen months for special ops training. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t been going out of his way to make friends because he knew he would be leaving.</p>
<p>“I’m leaving at the end of the week actually,” Jooheon added, rubbing at the back of his neck as if he were a little tense about the situation. You wondered how he ended up here.</p>
<p>“Good, that means you’ve got four solid days to train with my little Katana here,” Cali quipped, her attention beginning to wane as someone else entered the training compound, “Bet she’ll teach you more in that amount of time than the ‘<em>board and train</em>’ drill instructors.” She said ‘<em>board and train</em>’ like it was a place you sent your dog, but Katana was familiar with the place he was headed and it fit the bill.</p>
<p>Jooheon’s eyes shot up as he looked at you almost bashfully, “Oh! I’m sure you’re busy…I don’t want to bother you.”</p>
<p>“Nah, it’s cool. I’ve got time,” You fully smiled for the first time and Jooheon thought he’d never seen anything more wonderful. And deadly but either way, he loved it.</p>
<p>“Good kids,” Calypso cooed, making you roll your eyes once more, “Now, Honey, sweetie,” She focused on him once again, placing both hands atop his shoulders, “Stay on guard and keep your hands up, she is going to kick your ass over and over <em>and over again</em> but I promise you’ll learn some great technique.”</p>
<p>Jooheon gulped nervously and Cali released him like she didn’t just tell him he was going to have his ass handed to him repeatedly, “Ok! Gotta go, I’ve got an appointment I don’t wanna miss! So nice to meet you, Honey! Have fun with your training!”</p>
<p>With that she rushed off, leaving you and Jooheon standing in her dust. You both watched as Cali bounced up to a large man casually leaning against the wall. You rolled your eyes as she jumped into his arms, immediately planting her lips on his as he carried her from the room. Ugh, you couldn’t wait until she was over Sehun. Surely, he wasn’t good enough in bed to make up for his shit personality and even shittier aim.</p>
<p>“Oh, so it’s like…<em>that</em>…kind of appointment, huh?” Jooheon commented with an incredulous laugh, bringing your attention back to him. </p>
<p>“Cali is a different breed,” You chuckled, turning away and motioning for Jooheon to follow, “Most people are put off by her energy, some even think she’s crazy, but she’s just unapologetically herself. She’s outgoing and friendly but wickedly dangerous and protective so you’ll want to stay on her good side while you’re here.”</p>
<p>“She sounds like a good friend to have,” He grins, “You guys are really close, huh?” Jooheon asks curiously but he almost regrets it when you get really quiet again. </p>
<p>He’s about to apologize when you speak up, “Calypso took me in when I first got here. We were just… kids being trained in the art of death and destruction and she was the only person who cared if I survived through it all. She means <em>everything</em> to me.”</p>
<p>Jooheon is struck by the emotion in your voice and decides he’s probably received more information than most had ever hoped to get from you so he changes the subject, “So, where do we begin?”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Calypso had warned him. </p>
<p>You kicked his ass for twelve hours straight, every day for his remaining four days, and when Jooheon boarded his flight, every muscle and bone in his body ached from your onslaught. He didn’t at all mind the pain though. He thought you were incredible. </p>
<p>No matter how many times he thought he may have the upper hand you had played his moved against him and had him on his back within seconds. You had been impressed by his perseverance though. Each time you knocked him down he took your offered hand to stand up and start again, knowing he would be hitting the mat again shortly. He took your instruction well and you had appreciated his attention to detail. </p>
<p>He was just as appreciative of you as well. You were so calm and collected and despite your quiet nature, you gave him thorough instruction that he used to better himself in the next round. Once you’d even let him pin you down with a victorious grin just to reverse your positions with ease, smiling brilliantly at his shocked face. He was sure he had you that time and you calmly explained why he didn’t. He had learned so much from you already that he had half a mind to convince the council to let him stay here with you heading his training.</p>
<p>When it came time for him to leave, there were no drawn-out goodbyes, not that he had expected any. Though you trained together non-stop, you two didn’t talk much outside of fighting, the rest of the time spent in quiet company, and Calypso had been mysteriously absent up until the last second. She had swooped in to peck Jooheon’s cheek, muttering ‘<em>Bye Honey! Take care kid!</em>’ before she was gone once more. </p>
<p>“See you when you get back?” You asked with a small smile and Jooheon nodded his head, perfect smile, and dimples on full display.  </p>
<p>Then he was gone and just a few months later, everything would begin to change.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>→ Do not copy, repost, translate, or share any of my works on other platforms WITHOUT PERMISSION! <b>All stories are copyrighted, Jinyoungsir, 2020. ©️</b></em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. TWO</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Katana has been in a downward spiral for the last year, throwing herself headfirst into danger to block out the world. Jooheon is back and he never stopped thinking about the girl who handed his ass to him in every single fight when he’d first arrived over a year ago.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Just a few short months after Jooheon departed, you lost Cali. </p>
<p>It had been nearly a year since that fateful day and you still saw it every night in your dreams. Your fingertips just brushing hers before she slipped through your grasp and plummeted to her death. The look of pure unhidden terror on her beautiful face burned into your mind forever, haunting you every time you closed your eyes. </p>
<p>Calypso was your <em>everything</em> and she was <em>gone forever. </em></p>
<p>You had buried yourself in work. You couldn’t stand people's pitying glances and meager condolences. They had never cared for her in the first place and you hated to hear their false sentiments so you stayed away from the guild as often as you could. </p>
<p>You had become a different person now that she was gone. Bitter, cynical, <em>empty</em>. Your very soul may have died along with her, forever tied to its mate.</p>
<p>You jumped on every single suicide mission you could get your hands on and your leaders tried to deny you on it at first, telling you that you weren’t ready but you fought them tooth and nail and they gave in. They stopped questioning you when you completed each mission successfully, even if you returned home battered and bloody. </p>
<p>When you continued to prove that you were still their most valuable agent they allowed you whatever mission you wanted, no matter how dangerous it was. </p>
<p>An <em>entire year</em> spent throwing yourself at death itself and you were still here, back at the guild between missions, wandering the halls of the compound like a ghost. That’s when you saw him again. </p>
<p>It was possible your mind was just playing tricks on you but a flash of recognition charged through you as you saw him in the training room all alone at one in the morning. You considered moving on, pretending as if you didn’t see anyone but a tiny voice inside you urged you to at least make sure you weren’t hallucinating. </p>
<p>He hadn’t noticed you entering the room, the only sound echoing off the walls was his own breathing and the sound of his wrapped fists hitting the punching bag repeatedly.</p>
<p>Even you could admit he looked good. Healthy. Vibrant. The exact opposite of you. The absence of his t-shirt, long discarded, let you see the hard lines of his body and the muscle he’s built during that time away. It seemed the grueling training regimen had built him up rather than tear him down like it had to so many others before him.</p>
<p>Stopping about ten feet away you debated going back but Jooheon suddenly stopped, his hands bracing the bag to still it’s motion when he caught your gaze.</p>
<p>“You’re back…” You rasped out, voice coarse from disuse. Had it really been that long since you had spoken to someone?</p>
<p> Jooheon looked you over and you braced yourself for his reaction though none that you expected came. He simply smiled at you, his dimples on full display, “Why am I not surprised to find you here in the middle of the night?”</p>
<p>“How long?” You asked him, realizing your question was rather vague but not caring enough to add context. He understood nonetheless. </p>
<p>“I got here a few days ago. I looked around for you but heard you were out on another job,” Jooheon’s smile faded and it was then you knew that he had heard.</p>
<p>“I see,” You replied stiffly, “Well, I’ve got another in two days so I won’t be here for long. I’m glad you made it out of training in one piece,” You mumbled already turning back toward the door. </p>
<p>“Katana,” Jooheon called, moving a few steps toward you, “I’m sorry about Calypso.”</p>
<p>“She was very kind to me when I first got here and I’ll never forget that. She seemed like a really genuine person and I know how much you cared for her.”</p>
<p>You stopped in your tracks but refused to turn around and expose the tears welling up in your eyes. It was the first real sentiment someone had offered and Jooheon had barley known Cali for more than a few hours and that thought alone made your heart ache in your chest.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” You muttered quietly, steeling your voice as best you could, “She liked you. She would have been really happy to see you come back.”</p>
<p>Jooheon was quiet as he stared at your retreating form. You looked so much smaller than you had before. He could tell you had lost weight and your hair hung limply around your shoulders. You hadn’t been taking care of yourself for a long time and he wondered just how long you could continue living this way. </p>
<p>He had heard about your reckless coping methods. You didn’t resort to drinking or fucking like some. Instead, you bathed yourself in blood and violence and tore yourself from anyone who attempted to reach out. You had declined the council’s desire to pair you with a new partner and they had respected your wishes thus far. </p>
<p>What he didn’t understand was how they could continue to let you live like this without intervening. No one stopped you from starving yourself nor did they care when you went days without sleeping. No one gave a shit that you almost hadn’t returned from your last mission or the fact that you didn’t really care if you had lived through it anyway. </p>
<p>You were the guild’s golden child back then and now you were just a weapon of mass destruction, used and abused by the very people who made you that way.</p>
<p>“Hey Kat,” Jooheon called as you reached the door, “You wanna spar?”</p>
<p>You turned briefly and offered him an empty half-smile, “Maybe some other time.”</p>
<p>Jooheon watched you go but he decided he wouldn’t watch you hurt yourself like this. He was here for good and if no one else was going to step up to care for you when you were obviously still broken over your loss, he would.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It’s been two weeks since you’ve spoken to Jooheon. </p>
<p>That wasn’t for his lack of trying though. You had secluded yourself to your room day and night until the time came to leave once again. Another risky retrieval mission. You narrowly managed to escape but not without a fresh wound down the side of your throat that left you limping into the infirmary as soon as you got home and out of the shower. The gash itself was bad enough, you figured cleaning the blood and dirt from your body would attract less attention.</p>
<p>“<em>Again</em>, Katana?” Kihyun looked up from his desk and you offered him a shrug and lazy smile. </p>
<p>“Missed you too doc,” You muttered heart-heartedly as you slid onto the exam table, tying your hair into a knot atop your head to move it out of the doctor’s way. The stretch causing you to wince painfully as the wound opened further. </p>
<p>Kihyun adjusted the lighting and moved closer, his brows knitting tightly, “<em>Jesus Christ</em>, Kat. What the fuck happened to you this time?”</p>
<p>“It’s nothing, doc,” You sigh, wincing again when he brushes your shoulder and he glares at you disapprovingly. </p>
<p>“Yeah, sure looks like nothing,” He comments dryly as he examines the wound. It starts just below your jaw and curves down your throat, slicing over your collar bone and into the soft tissue of your left breast. Kihyun flicks his hand and you strip your shirt without hesitation so he can get to work. </p>
<p>“It’s going to need stitches and it’s going to scar,” He tells you, looking up at you sadly. He’s watched you collect many over the past year, more so than you ever did when Cali was alive. </p>
<p>“What’s one more?” You try to joke but any hint of laughter sets your ribs aflame and Kihyun’s eyes drop to your bruised torso. </p>
<p>“You probably fractured a few ribs too,” Kihyun deduces, “Katana, you need to take care of yourself if you’re going to keep at this. If you’re not eating or sleeping you’re going to run yourself into the ground. <em>Permanently</em>.”</p>
<p>You were about to respond when the door opened and you froze when you saw Jooheon standing there, his eyes glued to your exposed upper body and you had to fight the urge to cover yourself. Not because he was being rude or gawking but because he looked upset seeing you in your current condition. </p>
<p>Weak, pale, thin, black and blue from the bruising, and the newest gash open and shocking against your skin. You felt ashamed with his eyes on you and you weren’t sure why. You didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought so why did your chest ache in his presence once again?</p>
<p>“You’re back…” He said quietly, his eyes slowly making their way back up to your face and you had to rally your courage to keep eye contact with him. </p>
<p>“Not for long,” You muttered and Kihyun scoffed loudly, breaking the tension between you and Jooheon. </p>
<p>“Not fucking likely, Kat,” He said not bothering slow down when you hissed at the burn of alcohol on your wound, “I’m medically grounding you.”</p>
<p>Even Jooheon looked surprised, though he felt relief in his chest at the thought of you not going on any more missions for the time being. </p>
<p>“Doc, you can’t do that to me!” You panicked, making to move until Jooheon jolted forward, placing a hand on your opposite shoulder to keep still.</p>
<p>You looked between the two men wildly and they are taken aback by your outburst as you continue speaking on the edge of hysterics, “You can’t ground me! Please, I can’t be stuck here, I am fully capable of working I swear. If you want me to eat, I’ll eat! I promise I’ll sleep. <em>Don’t fucking ground me, Kihyun.</em> Please don’t do it!”</p>
<p>Jooheon had to look away from you, from the panic in your eyes, before it consumed him. The desperation in your voice was tearing at his resolve and he couldn’t stand to hear the way it cracked as you plead with the doctor. Your chest tightened painfully and Jooheon caught the increase in your breathing. He moved into your space right in front of you and slipped both of his hands beneath your jaw, cradling your head until you were forced to look at him. </p>
<p>“Katana, <em>breathe</em>,” He ordered and you stared back at him, a tear beginning to slip down your face, “You’re going to have a panic attack if you don’t slow your breathing.”</p>
<p>Your hands automatically came up to grip his forearms as he held you steady and you forced yourself to breathe in through your nose in an effort to calm yourself, squeezing his arms almost painfully but he didn’t so much as blink at it. He only continued to whisper, “<em>Breathe Kat, I got you</em>,” over and over again.</p>
<p>Jooheon refused to release you until you had calmed down several minutes later and only then did he drop his hands, stepping back so Kihyun could tend to your wound. </p>
<p>“One week, Katana,” Kihyun broke through the silence, “Just rest for one week and I won’t ground you,” You looked up hopefully at that and he was quick to add, “I want you to promise me you’ll eat at least three meals a day and no late-night training or wandering, I’ll give you something to help with your insomnia.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, doc,” You say sincerely, gritting your teeth as he injects the local anesthetic around the area that will need stitches. </p>
<p>You turned your gaze on Jooheon and if you weren’t borderline anemic right now you would have been blushing with embarrassment, “<em>Thank you.</em>”</p>
<p>Jooheon tried to smile but it was more of a grimace and he excused himself just as Kihyun began suturing your wound. He needed space to breathe and figure out why his own heart was beating so rapidly, so thunderously, that he might tear it out to stop the ache.</p>
<hr/>
<p>You kept your promise and at the end of the week, you were actually feeling better. You met with Kihyun and even he smiled with the evidence of your compliance though he shook his head when you told him you were assigned to another task at the end of the week.</p>
<p>“Well, at least you have another week to rest,” He sighed, “So I guess I’ll be seeing you when you get back then?” Kihyun quipped. </p>
<p>You paused in the doorway and gave him a little salute, “Consider me your job security, doc.”</p>
<p>Kihyun sighs heavily and pushes his glasses up to rub at his eyes once you’re gone. He pulls out his phone and dials a number, placing it against his ear.</p>
<p>“Hey,” He pauses, “Yeah, she’s fine. Remember what we talked about? She’s going to hate it but I think it’s time.”</p>
<p>Jooheon hung up with the doctor and tossed the phone back into his gym bag before stalking back over to the weight bench. He knew you wouldn’t wait any longer than you had to but <em>god</em> was he hoping you would rest a little longer. He’d already found you in the training room just two days after the doc patched you up as if you couldn’t stay away. </p>
<p>Kihyun was right, it was time to make his move.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>→ Do not copy, repost, translate, or share any of my works on other platforms WITHOUT PERMISSION! <b>All stories are copyrighted, Jinyoungsir, 2020. ©️</b></em>
</p>
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